ScottishGames.biz

Gamer Grub - Optimized Nutrition For Performance Gaming

We were bemused, then mildly revolted, then mollified, then mildly revolted all over again when we came across this NEW product online:

Gamer Grub!

It's the nutritionally balanced snack designed for gamers, you see?  You scoff straight from the packaging, removing the danger of greasy fingers, dropping crumbs in your keyboard and the need for cutlery.  Or leaving your desk to eat.

The thing is, it's not immediately obvious what the hell is in the shiny container.  The names don't actually help either; Strategy Chocolate?  Action Pizza?  Umm...

It may be the fake public school background we invented to make ourselves sound more fascinating, but when we read the news story and visited the website, we were picturing a tub of goo, along the lines of the apocryphal 'Cup o' pizza' from Steve Martin's movie The Jerk.

So it was something of a relief to find that they're more along the lines of fruit/nut/twiglet sort of snack, than a jar of nutritionally optimized sludge.

Then we got all grossed out again, after reading the contents of the Sports PB&J canister:

Ingredients: Peanuts, Peanut Butter Chips, Strawberry Jelly Chips, Bread Cubes

Jelly chips?  Bread cubes?  No wonder they're the official snack supplier to the World Cyber Games 2008.

Could this spell the end of pizza's domination of the gaming world?

The website is asking for new flavour combos and ideas as well as allowing hungry gamers/developers to sign-up for more information.

Allow us to start the ball rolling with:

Sandbox Sushi (raw fish chips, chip chips, wasabi flakes)
Platformer Porridge (oat-based oats, honey chunks, milk bottle gums)
Point & Click Pasty (meat chunks, pastry gums, crispy onion bits, tomato sauce nuggets)
Survival Horror Hotpot (beef jerky, turnip pastilles, onion ring wheat snacks, gravy capsules)

What genre/flavour combo would YOU like to see, readers?

Why, God? WHY??

We've blogged it, we've mentioned it live on stage, we've started a petition.  We've even tracked down the people responsible, hidden in their wardrobes and jumped out waving placards draped in their family's clothing and screaming obscenities.

Yet still it goes on.

The lumbering hunk of non-fun that is Dragon's Lair has reached out a foul tendril and contaminated yet ANOTHER games system.

Not content with a HD version (like laserdisk only x 1000 more exciting), we can now 'enjoy' 'controlling' the 'game' on the Nintendo DS.  C&VG reports it uses the touchscreen AND includes a rumble feature.  That should cover up the startling lack of gameplay then.

The only bright spot is the screenshot above, which seems to show Dirk the Deadly being drowned in a tidal wave of piss.

Oddly enough, that was in our top five in the last list of threats we sent to the publishers.

If we're not careful, we'll soon have to put up with - Wii, Xbox Live Arcade, mobile, digital TV, iPod, game and watch and web browser versions.

All trumpeting the incredible graphics and 'classic' 'gameplay'.

'Bollocks.'

Update: It also has speech recognition.  Oh god.  "NO!  Don't jump that way you useless f---- c---.  Why the f--- did you f----- jump that way you pointless sack of f------ s---"  Should be even less interactive than ever.